An article in the Guardian defending traditional dads from the peer pressure of “50/50 dads” goes too far in trying to make its case- at one point, insulting involved dads by calling them “Wet Wipes.” Let’s stop with the Daddy Wars, please.
The layers of judgment and condescension towards other dads obscures the one decent point in Alex Bilmes’ article.
My advice to Alex Bilmes- be whatever type of parent you want to be (short of being abusive or neglectful), let others choose their own styles, and stop being a judgmental jerk about it.
I was enjoying my morning coffee and noodling on twitter when I saw this message from a professional friend:
My first reaction was “Aw shucks, Tamsin, I’m flattered.” My second was “I gotta read this article.”
Unsurprisingly, I found this article outrageous–so insulting to other dads! It struck me as yet another volley in the “Parenting Wars”–if you don’t parent the way I do, you must be wrong.
In the piece, Bilmes describes himself as a traditional dad who enjoys long hours at work and business travel, leaves the heavy lifting to his girlfriend (who is a more domestic type), and generally takes a low-key CTFD approach to parenting with his kids (more tv and giggles, fewer educational outings). He also makes a point, as a matter of pride and as a way to differentiate himself from feminized/emasculated “50/50 Dads,” to NEVER carry a wet nap. He derisively calls men who do “Wet Wipes.”
This got my hackles up. But I’m trying to be fair, so I re-read the article.
Bilmes concludes by saying that dads should feel free to parent in their own way–traditional or highly-involved–without social pressure to be a superdad. Ok, I get that and actually agree. In fact, I’ve long been on the record as saying that every dad should parent in the way that is best for him and his family, there is no best approach, and that we dads have to resist the urge to criticize each other for different styles.
However, I’m still skeptical of Bilmes. After his long article that repeatedly insults highly-involved dads and makes sweeping gender generalizations based solely on personal anecdote, I don’t accept his tacked-on conciliatory ending. I shouldn’t have to wade through several layers of condescension and unnecessary cheap-shots just to give him an unearned benefit of the doubt.
It is clear Bilmes is judging highly-involved dads as something less than fully masculine. It’s just his opinion, and however much I disagree, he’s entitled to it.
But this attitude is destructive, contributing to corporate cultures that stigmatize men who dare to prioritize family and to a public policy that virtually ignores the importance of fatherhood. Further, it creates the impression that dads are reluctant or negligent parents by default, lowering expectations and limiting fathers’ roles. It is time we left these attitudes behind.
My advice to Alex Bilmes- be whatever type of parent you want to be (short of being abusive or neglectful), let others choose their own styles, and stop being a judgmental jerk about it.
What do you think about Bilmes’ article? Parenting wars? My response? Any experiences to share? Let’s discuss in the comments section.
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